Smoking Weed & Sipping Hennessy: The Son of Agu & The Daughter of Ikuku… A case of “Remote Control” Love

In the 80s to the earliest part of the 90s, if you try get one girlfriend, then your poppa must be super rich, you must be a good break dancer or dress really well, or your folks get VHS for haus.

Yes, BetaMax and co, with good movies on them and especially a remote control.

Back then, to impress a chic, you go to school with the video machine remote control or a couple of VHS cassettes and display them so everyone can see. It gives you access to speak among the ‘boys’ and tell tales of movies.

I recall a certain secondary school friend who will tell us titles of movies; most of them,imaginary. Then tell us the movie from start to finish. Wowing us as those of us who watch movies only on weekends when we visit uncles, aunts or family friends wey get VHS machine for haus.

I can’t forget telling a group of friends the ‘Scarface’ Alpacino movie from A-Z.

Sunday ‘Jango’ decided it was his turn to tell his. He told us the title was ‘Jukadefu’, a horror movie. It was so captivating that some of our friends almost pee in their pants.

When Austin asked him, “what’s the name of the main character and the writer of the movie?”

Jango choked…alas, no movie like that existed. The guy is just good with stories that don’t exist.

Back to the remote story, so Emeka decided to go check on his girlfriend one day; a girl he captured with a remote control and a hand made card I made for him.

I must mention here, Emeka’s brother owns one of the biggest electronic and clothing shops at central market at that time. The guy ‘ona dress!’

He wore a tight jeans and a T-shirt to the house. It was on a Saturday. Her parents had gone for a wedding and will be there for at most 5 hours.

Do you know what 5 hours mean to a boy who rarely sees his babe except at school or around the corner if she’s sent on errand? Hm…

The message on the card reads… ‘You have captured my heart! The thought of you or the sight of you kindles a thousand fires in me. You hold my heart captive that life without you will be meaningless even with the world full of expensive treasures. Even if I must die, just whisper the words ‘I’ll Be Yours’ and my death will be beautiful…’ (Whatever it meant).

So he was with her. Gisting, occasionally hugging, kissing. They were on the 5th kiss, it was a bit longer and warm when the girls mother stepped in followed by her short, mustache wearing mean looking father. They quickly broke the embrace.

She jumped off the sofa looking pink. Emeka jumped up too but there was a problem; his girl’s father looked straight at him from head to bottom, and according to him, “like I was some meat to be cut up!” Then he stopped at his waist line, staring at the bulge in his jean. Then bit his lips hard and asked, “who are you?”

Emeka stammered as he told him his full name.

“Where are you from?”

Turned out they were from the same village and Emeka’s father and the girls dad are childhood friends. It eased the tension.

“Oh, youre ‘Agu’s son? Chai! You can’t be his first!” Exclaimed the girl’s father.

“No sir. I am the 4th. We are 7 in number sir”. Bowing at each word.

“Wonderful”, he added.

All through their chitchat, he did not ask him to sit down. And never took his eyes off the bulge in his jean.

“Your father is a good man. I for chop off your manhood here and now.” With this military like voice and pointing at his middle belt.

“Next time, come to a girl’s house when her parents are at home, introduce yourself. Don’t ever sneak in behind them. Okay?”

He nodded.

“I like you. I like your boldness. That you can come into my house, sit on my chair and fondle my daughter shows you’re truly Agu’s son. He’s daring too.”

He became a regular at the house. And he later confirmed, the girl’s dad was also notorious with women as a young man. Him and Emeka’s father once had a bet over some fine older girls back in the village. The girl’s father won. He dated 2 sisters and their cousin. Reason why they nick named him ‘Ikuku’.

Emeka is married to the girl in the story now. And we called her ‘the remote control wife’…buh she nor catch the joke until he broke it down.

What’s it like ‘capturing’ the heart of any lady today?


SW&SH is a weekly series on Procyon News

Have a great weekend folks.

I’m done, I’m gone, I’m ghost!

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