SW&SH: Before You Journey

One transport company bus that I entered from Onitsha to Lagos in December 2nd 2019, when we got to Ore where we got down to eat, I base for one corner dey high my weed.

Driver came and was asking for 2 drags.

I gave him sha, but I prayed before the journey continued.

I shouldn’t have given him, but if you’re a stoner, you know the unwritten rule that says you never refuse another stoner.

Plus I was sitting beside him and we had been chatting all through the journey.

From the moment we moved after he took the 2 drags, I knew I F.ed up

He was playing Osadebe on the stereo. Where I knew that trouble had started was when he asked me, “Nwanne ina fu ka ukwu osisi ndia si agba egwu” (My guy are you seeing the way the trees are dancing).

I was like Dancing gini? Oga please don’t play rough play, focus on the road.

I was high too, but when I realized the danger of the situation, my eye clear once!

I started thinking of my family and my friends. I had hundreds of porn videos, so I deleted them, in case I die and any of my family members had access to my memory card.

Small time driver was like,
“Nna 2pac dey sing die!”

“Oga 2pac? How? Na Osadebe be this na!”

Driver say, “Nna forget that thing! If to say you dey hear Igbo, you go dey understand wetin 2pac dey rap. Ona kpofe’m a kpofe (the rap is transporting me to the great beyond”.

Immediately I heard “great beyond” shit started catching me. I knew I would die for sure.

I gave my life to Christ immediately!

Small time we entered one big porthole, I gave my life to Christ again, in case he didn’t collect the first one.

Driver was speeding, I was doing sign of the cross. Only me and him knew what was happening.

Other passengers were shouting, I wanted to turn back and advise all of them to give their lives to Christ like I did.

At least let us make heaven, but I didn’t want to cause alarm.

Driver said, “Aboy jidegodi steering kam yiri shoe ofuma” (Boy help me hold this steering let me wear my shoe well)

“Hehehe, me hold steering?”

I’ll pass.

I plugged my earphones to listen to small gospel music, what better way to usher my soul into the bosom of Father Abraham.

The first song was, “Jesus take the wheels!”

Naah. Das not a good song, Jesus please leave the wheels where we can see it, I change it!

Thankfully, 2 drags dey only cause momentary paranoia. So before 20 minutes, driver don camdan.

But my mind no camdan, shit hold me till we reach park.

But to Jesus be my glory, I survived to tell the story.

DontDrinkAndDrive

DontSmokeAndDrive

StayAlert

Caveat: this story is strictly for entertainment, a satire. No harm is meant to anyone by it but to create awareness against drunk driving, drug abuse, etc.

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SW&SH is a weekly series on Procyon News, join me.

I’m done, I’m gone, I’m ghost.

Segun Onibiyo

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