Smoking Weed & Sipping Hennessy … Repent! Make God nor ‘arrest’ you.

It was a tough job getting girlfriends way back in my younger days. You’d almost have to be one of these to get ’em girls…

*Wear a brain for a book. Sabi book like Einstein.
*Be handsome
*Be from a rich home and be damn ugly like Adams Oshiomole
*Be a good dancer and dresser
*Be smooth with words.

Outside all of these, you need luck to get ’em girls.

My aunty will say to me, “boy, get education, get a good job and the ladies will chase you themselves. Until then, focus on yourself. Build yourself. Become a ‘man’.

Little did she know I was partially doing all that and chasing the girls.

Bwahahahehekiki…

See, I’m not ‘prouding’ (no apologies to Falz), boys use to be handsome. I know book join, just that some times, na where I read no dey commot. I dey try dress well but I no get shishi. Not a faddin!

Way back then, your best place to catch ’em girls outside school was at the church.

Yes, you heard me right, CHURCH!

Oh, those girls, hmmm…

Some of us will make heaven only by the skin of our teeth.

I had me some ‘corrupt friends’. Some of them will be reading this piece and will pray their wives don’t see it. Yes. Because some married those girls they chased from C&S to Apostolic church, ECWA, Celestial church of Christ, 4-Square gospel church, Baptist to Anglican, name them.

We had gone ‘hunting’ one day at C&S in Ilorin with 3 of my friends. They had a crusade (Isoji olojo meta). In the middle of the service, the ‘Woli’, with long and thick dreads was seeing vision and said, “some of you need to be prayed for to get to your destination.”

He’ll call prayer points and end it with, “…e gba adura!”

And we’ll all break out screaming like we are possessed, “…ni oruko Jeeesu, Oluwa o, gba ogo mi fun mi, ah Baba…”

Side by side we stood, me and my friends and the ladies we had followed to church.

We were in the middle of it when Funmi started to scream, shaking, speaking in foreign tongue…

One of my friends said, after we all opened our eyes, “ta loun p’ofo?” Who dey do incantation?

Behold, na ‘K’ babe.

Abbey said, “o gbe emi ni!” She’s in the spirit.

She jumped, punched, jumped up again, landed on her big behind ‘twaaah’. Rolled on the floor, screaming.

Woli Rasta walked up to her, sprinkled some water on her and said, “ma wi, iranse re ngbo”. Speak, your servant can hear you.

She said so many things. About government, the church, the people, then landed on us, but was particular about ‘K’.

I wanted the ground to open so I would enter. But for where! We were called out and made to sing and clap for our salvation. We made promises that I doubt if any of us fulfilled. Maybe asides ‘K’, who today is Funmi’s husband.

From that day on, I never stepped into any white garment church nor accept invites to programs at any.

I don’t have anything against them o, don’t get me wrong. But that single episode made me ‘go and sin no more’.

How many of you go to church because of women and not the word?

Repent! Make God nor ‘arrest’ you.

…..

SW&SH is a weekly feature story on my wall, on ChungaiMedia and Procyon News. Join me always.

I’m done, I’m gone, I’m ghost!

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