I once dated a girl who said to me one day, “you’re a husband material. Blablabla, yenyenyen, yadayadayada”.
So she confided in some prophet to help keep me focused on her and only her unto marriage.
So they hatched a plan; it was to be unveiled during my 33rd birthday or so. Can’t remember. E don teyyy!
She was told to get me a gift, pray for 7 days and nights over it, then they sprayed a greeting card with perfume.
The perfume is expected to make me (I guess) stay obedient and stay put once it hits my nose. Ayie o! Emi Oki, emi Dudu! Emi perfume? Izzokay.
On the day of my birthday, her friend connected with me to bring me to her (friend’s) place for a surprise.
First, I got there late, second, I got there from the office of a debtor whom we had settled our differences with our fists.
On arrival, I noticed the ambiance. Na me dem wan set up? Izzokay.
And you see me ba, forget o, how God wire me dey fear me and even devil. My instincts kicked in. I knew something was amiss. But played along.
My girlfriend appeared with a big cake, gift wrapped in some shiny paper with a card attached to it.
Dem first serve me pepper soup, I down am.
She started fidgeting when I won’t open the wrapped gift after over 45 minutes.
“You won’t open your gift to see what I got you?”
I gave her this Brain Jotter ‘come on getat’ look. But smiled.
“No be my gift? I’ll unwrap it when I’m ready.”
After so much persuasion, I bellowed, “why are you adamant that I must open the gift? You wan jazz me?”
Then I saw her eyes sunk in. Then I said clearly, “oh, I see…”
She stormed out.
I left the gift there and went home.
Few weeks later, her friend met me and told me what was planned.
I asked, “una don fight abi?”
You see when women fight, every secret will come to the fore.
She told me the whole story, from Africa to China. I shook my head and laughed.
Of course I challenged my girlfriend and took a walk afterwards.
You see, what will be will be. You can’t force what’s not ordained.
If you force it, you’ll break a limb.
Those of you going to Shiloh with pictures of beautiful women and handsome men, some na joke sha, is not the solution to your marital challenge.
Some just need to get a job, some need to change their character, some need to open their eyes. Dazzol.
Anything you use juju get, na koboko or cutlass go free am.
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I’m done, I’m gone, I’m ghost!